Where Does Manny Fit? : Boston Score

Where Does Manny Fit?

Posted by Adam Hart January 28, 2009 at 10:03 pm

Manny Ramirez is still a free agent. Seeing as how I am an unabashed Manny defender, I think it’s only right that I help find a home for him.

Kenneth Rosenthal speculates that the Giants are a bad fit for Manny — something I’ve been saying privately since the idea was ground up in the rumor mill weeks ago. Privately, because I’ve been trying to suppress my sports bulge.

Ahem. Of course he’s a bad fit. The Giants are terrible. It’d be a waste of $25 mil times X years. So, while listening to Bills Mays ~~scream~~ rap about the Burger Press, I offer my view of Manny’s prospects with all 30 MLB teams. Go on, read it.

American League

Baltimore Orioles — This actually wouldn’t be that bad from a baseball standpoint, adding him into the mix with Brian Roberts, Aubrey Huff and Nick Markakis. The only problem is that Peter Angelos is a micromanaging nutbag. And that’s a big problem.

Boston Red Sox — In my dreams.

Chicago White Sox — I’m sure he’d get along just fine with Ozzie Guillen… That marriage would turn into War of the Roses real quick.

Cleveland Indians — If they felt like spending money, it would be the perfect fit. He has always missed playing at Jacobs Field, and would solidify that lineup. But, Cleveland is unwilling to pay that much cash. We will not be seeing a Mark Shapiro/Scott Boras pow-wow any time soon.

Detroit Tigers — Sell! Sell! Sell! After last offseason’s failed spending spree (via trade with Florida and Atlanta), the Tigers are in no position to add $25 million to their payroll. And public opinion would not be furthered by an increase in spending, since all those automaker employees are getting laid off. Unless, of course, Dave Dombrowski refers to Manny as the organization’s luxury jet. Then the people will be fine with it, I’m sure.

Kansas City Royals — Already stocked with outfielders, Manny could take over the DH role. The fans are easy going, just as Manny likes them. This lineup actually features some pretty good talent, but, once again, the rotation will not hold up. Why would a small market team spend that much money without the prospects of making the playoffs? It’d be a waste. Sorry Kansas City, you tiger now. …That has nothing to do with anything except for my desire to link to my favorite commercial in the history of commercials not made by PETA (oh, you better believe this video is suggestive in areas other than vegetarianism).

LAAofA — Perfect fit. I don’t care if they re-signed Juan Rivera. Stick Manny in that lineup and they become instant World Series favorites. Especially now that the choke artist, Francisco Rodriguez, is out of town. I just don’t see how those two draft picks acquired when Mark Texeira signed with the Yankees will do anything to get the LAAofA out of the ALDS this year. Arturo Moreno needs to make this happen. Manny for LAAofA in 2009 — Yes We Can!

Minnesota Twins — Imagine sandwiching a true power threat between Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau — scary. Unfortunately, the Twins owner just died and the organization dislikes spending money. Ask Torii Hunter. Oh, you can also ask Johan Santana.

New York Yankees — Yeah, right. Joe Girardi would throw a fit. He’d give Manny the Robinson Cano treatment before April was out. Plus, I don’t think Hank Steinbrenner would be pleased to find Manny taking in-game piss breaks in Monument Park. (I think I’ve heard that joke somewhere before. Not sure where. Best guess is Barstoolsports)

Oakland Athletics — Would his addition fall within the Moneyball guidelines? I think .332, 37, 121 falls within anyone’s guidelines. Well, anyone except for the Nationals. They choose players based on promise and promise alone. Anyway, putting Manny in at DH in a lineup featuring Jason Giambi and the overrated Matt Holliday would give the A’s a sweet mashing order, at the very least. And then we could relive the greatest moment in makeup history (yes, I realize that sounds very, VERY unmanly):

Seattle Mariners — I doubt Manny meets the honor code by which the team’s owner, Mr. Nintendo, lives. And Seattle = Depression City. How’s Manny going to be Manny in a place like that?

Tampa Bay Rays — His would be a great bat in this lineup, but the cost is too great. The Rays proved they can win with a limited payroll. Theirs is a team more likely to add a bat at the trade deadline, rather than through a big free agent signing.

Texas Rangers — Yes, he would fit nicely in this lineup beside Josh Hamilton, Ian Kinsler and Michael Young. The left field spot is open. The protection Manny provides may prevent Hamilton from wearing down in the second half, as he did in 2008. Or maybe he just needs to lay off crushing 300 homers in the HR Derby. According to the essential MLBTradeRumors.com, because the Rangers select in the top 15 of the upcoming MLB Amateur Draft, they would forfeit their 2nd round pick as compensation for signing Manny, rather than the 1st round pick plucked from teams in the bottom 15. I’d say it’s a good move. Plus, with a rookie moving in at shortstop, the extra bat may be needed. Tim Cowlishaw considered it before Turkey Day, if that helps my argument any.

Toronto Blue Jays — He does appreciate mashing homers in the Rogers Centre. But Canada might be a little much for him. Furthermore, I wonder if Blue Jays fans even know that this team is still in Toronto, nevermind Manuel Aristides Ramirez. And isn’t JP Ricciardi standing on thin ice after his past big ticket signing busts? No deal.

National League

Arizona Diamondbacks — Yes. Yes, and yes. I just wish Barack Obama would give them some bailout moneys with which to buy Mr. Ramirez. His bat is sorely needed. Plus, he already proved that he looks good in white and red, and we all know looks are the most important thing in life.

Atlanta Braves — No dice. They spent all their cash money on Derek Lowe.

Chicago Cubs — No, for multiple reasons: 1) Lou Piniella 2) Ownership is on the verge of being new = where’s the cash? 3) Lou Piniella

Cincinnati Reds — Also in Ohio, bringing on extra salary would not be prudent. Now, if the Reds moved across the border into Kentucky, then we’d be talking.

Colorado Rockies — Take a dollar bill, exchange it for 4 quarters and what does that make? Cents. Get it? It makes “sense”, just like Manny landing at Coors Field. A laid back atmosphere, coupled with a thin atmosphere makes him an instant upgrade over the recently departed Matt Holliday. I doubt the Rox want to spend $25 million on one player without the pitching staff to back up a deep run — or any run — into the playoffs.

Florida Marlins — The Marlins already spent big money to lock up Hanley Ramirez (6-years, $70 million). Yes, to them, that’s big money. The Marlins are the Average Joe of MLB.

Houston Astros — After the Miguel Tejada juicy-age fiasco, Drayton McLean may never, ever bring in a big money player again. Or any player for that matter. Maybe the Astros will slowly fade into oblivion, like Frodo or Frosty The Snowman. ………….Shut up.

LA Dodgers — Talk about looking good in a jersey. This makes the most sense. The Dodgers already gave up a bag of balls for Ramirez, so why not protect that investment by investing more money into him? Yeah, with that reasoning I could definitely make it in the House.

Milwaukee Brewers — They’ve already said that any addition will come through an in-season move, much like the trade that brought CC Sabathia to the brewery. Maybe Doug Melvin is simply a genius, hoping Manny remains a free agent until the All-Star Break, at which time he will sign him to a prorated deal. Yeah, and the NHL will dump fighting.

New York Mets — This would have been perfect for Manny, but the Wilpons lost all that money in the Bernard Madoff investment pyramid scheme. In no way do I consider myself a financial whiz, but remind me why the state of New York is yet again considering subsidizing the price of CitiField. If the Wilpons can’t handle the cost, sell the team. Case closed. How is it New York’s fault that the Mets suck at investing?

Philadelphia Phillies — SI.com’s John Heyman reports that the Phils don’t want to spend over $3 million for a right handed bat. Next.

Pittsburgh Pirates — Ha. Do Triple-A teams award $25 million contracts? Thanks for playing, though. Your consolation prize is last place in the NL Central. You’ve built yourself a little home there, haven’t you?

San Diego Padres — Jeff Moorad is about to complete his purchase of the team. He was formerly known as the agent of Manny Ramirez. Then Scott Boras swooped in. It’s doubtful that Manny signs with the Pads. On a side note, I do enjoy the fact that San Diego’s uniforms are goooollllld. On related side note, Manny wouldn’t approve of the toight pants.

San Francisco Giants — No.

St. Louis Cardinals — The Cards already possess enough outfielders, and seem resistant to the temptation of signing him. Without the DH, they would have no place to put Manny. And he’d probably be okay with that.

Washington Nationals — Jim Bowden doesn’t believe in proven players. Much like any fan, he falls in love with prospects, but casts them aside upon reaching their full potential, which is typically “fourth outfielder” or “utility guy”. So no, Manny would not fit on this team of losers.

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So these are the teams I believe could house Manny, first to worst, including the reasoning it may not work out in parenthesis: