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Players

Jonathan Papelbon played by Spencer Pratt or Syndrome

It’s either the bad boy from The Hills or the evil villian from The Incredibles. All I know is that whenever I happen upon MTV’s fake-reality show, Papelbon always pops into my head. So I’m leaning more toward Spencer. And, watching this clip seals the deal.

“Sweet. My answer’s ‘get out of my car‘.” Like it’s nothing. Hilarious.

Jon Lester played by Orlando Bloom

A perfect match. Not sure if Bloom is a lefty, though. And let me apologize to Jon, because I was an advocate of shipping him off for Johan Santana. But he has performed at Ace level for much of the season. Predicting Lester’s performance, I was wrong. Picking his reenactment counterpart, I am dead right.

Jacoby Ellsbury played by Jason Schwartzman

It’s all in the eyebrows. Teenage girls across New England are cursing me right now for bumping Cool Ethan into their Ellsbury-centered dreams. It would be like dreaming of Marisa Miller, only to have her replaced by Molly Sims. Wait, no. That’s not it at all. That’s a lateral move. Whatever. Not my problem. I’m not the one stuck dreaming about Jason Schwartzman.

Dustin Pedroia played by WWE star Shawn Michaels

Maybe they don’t look all that much alike. But both are undersized for their profession. And Pedroia is about as cocky as they come, same goes for Michaels. On top of that, can’t you just see this being Pedroia’s entrance song when he steps to the plate? The Fenway speakers blasted Dr. Dre for his at bats on Friday night — anything’s possible. And no doubt, he is the Red Sox MVP this season. So he deserves to think he’s cute, and know he’s sexy.

JD Drew played by Dale Jr.

This one almost makes too much sense. They’re both Southern. They both wear red in their uniform. They even look alike. These two are practically brothers. Except we all know that the Drew boys play baseball, not drive around an oval repeatedly.

Clay Buchholz’s finger played by The Shining’s Tony

Clay Buchholz used to be a great prospect for the Red Sox, just like how Danny Torrance used to be a great kid. Then Tony came along and turned everything upside down in Danny’s life.

I don’t know why a dream of an Ocean Spray filled elevator is so scary, but maybe it was a horrific punishment-type drink back in the 70’s. Oh, and if this interview with the actor who played Danny/Tony doesn’t creep you out, then you need to watch more Dateline. The reporter sounds like a pedophile the way he laughs at everything not-funny that Danny is saying. I was just waiting for him to say, “Oh, you’re too much……. So… Want to come back to my place?” Sicko.

As for Buchholz. Something has turned him from potential stud pitcher to dud, and his finger can take as much blame as anything else. But friend of Sports Late Night Joe Haggerty has another theory typed in a recent blog post:

I can’t help but think that the team would much rather see Clayboy working on fastball location instead of Penthouse Playmate hunting.

I totally agree with Joe on this one. Just look at Tom Brady. He’s with a former Victoria’s Secret model, and he set the NFL record for TD passes in a season.

Much was made about Buchholz bagging a Penthouse Playmate of the Year. But who remembers the young lady Clay dated last season — the season in which he threw his no-hitter? (It was an unnamed Victoria’s Secret model… Of course I don’t expect you to remember.) But the point is, Buchholz should go back to his roots to regain his form. The proof is in the pudding — Victoria’s Secret is the way to go if you want to be a superstar. Heck, he can start wearing it for all I care.

Julio Lugo played by Rick Gonzalez

Also known as ‘Spanish’ from Old School. Lugo and Gonzalez share the same wiry build. But this would not be Spanish’s greatest role. No. That title belongs to Illegal Tender, which put him opposite Dania Ramirez. So hot. So very, very hot. If NBC wants to promote their new season of Heroes, all they need are giant posters of Dania Ramirez doing whatever it is she does that makes her heroic. Like making my heart beat. Wicked hot. Sorry. Moving along…

Bartolo Colon played by rapper Fat Joe

I bet these two would be best friends if Joe could make it rain french fries. That’s not a joke.

Paul Byrd played by Frank from Men In Black

The resemblance is uncanny. Not sure if Frank can pull off the double windup. But he can definitely pull off an intergalactic stir-up. Hahahahahahaha. ……..Nerds jokes are not funny.

Manny Ramirez played by Lil’ John

Whaaat? Okay!

But, yeah. The dreadlocks make them look alike. I think Manny has better teeth, though. Oh yeah, and the best swing in baseball.

Jason Bay played by Michael Rosenbaum

He plays the bald Lex Luthor in the CW’s Smallville. That’s probably why you don’t recognize him. No one watches the CW. Which is why I feel compelled to draw your attention to Erica Durance, who plays the Lois Lane character in that show. Pretty attractive for a Canadian. …Oh my gosh! Jason Bay is a Canadian, too! How neat. Or not neat. Depending on how you look at it. You know, like a loser or not like a loser.

Sean Casey played by Paul Teutul Jr.

Of American Chopper fame. Paul Jr. might be a little rough around the edges to fit the part of “The Mayor”. But there is a resemblance. I can’t fight the feeling that this is just the right part for Paul Jr. We shall see…

Kevin Youkilis played by Abominable

From the classic Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Youk has been the unsung hero for much of this season. Although, lately a lot of people have been singing his praises. Still, Abominable was the unsung hero of that TV movie. Factor in the winter jacket, and we have a match.

David Ortiz played by Dennis Haybert

Everyone knows that Haybert played Pedro Cerrano in the Major League movies. He put on that fake Cuban accent, which made him sound similar to Big Papi. But few remember him from the movie Mr. Baseball, starring Tom Selleck. No, Haybert is not in that clip. But it’s fun to watch anyway. And hopefully you recognize “that rookie first baseman, Davis” as Frank Thomas.

Coco Crisp played by LL Cool J

You might be asking, “What does LL Cool J stand for?” And if I wanted to be a jerk, I’d first say in a snooty tone, “For what does LL Cool J stand,” correcting your grammar. But I mess that up all the time, so I’ll simply answer the question: Ladies Love Cool James. Most people know that already. So I’ll ask an even better question. Whatever happened to both of their careers? Best guess is they’ve gone ahead and become professional lip pursers.

Jason Varitek played by Razor Ramon

I freely admit that these two look little like one another. But they both feature that scruffy beard. And my buddy TJ is the biggest wrestling fan I know. Including two references to that “sport” is the only way he would ever read this blog. It’s true.

Jed Lowrie played by Kevin Costner

Look at that match. A young Costner would play the PERFECT Lowrie — precocious, and full of wonderment. Plus he’s been in a couple, few baseball movies. That always helps the cause. Is anyone else really excited to finally have a capable shortstop? For a while, I felt like Josh Beckett’s arm was going to fall off and Red Sox fans would be forced to watch Hanley Ramirez drop bombs down in Miami, while Julio Lugo completely stank up that joint. Not anymore. We got Lowrie!

David Aardsma played by Alan Rickman

You may remember Rickman from Dogma and the original Die Hard. He is a good actor with a funny voice. Aardsma is a bad pitcher with a funny name. They almost match. But that’s good enough for such a small part in this reenactment.

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Management

Theo Epstein played by Mark-Paul Gosselaar

It’s a Zack Attack! There was no better show from my youth than Saved By the Bell. And there has been no better GM of the Red Sox in my lifetime than Theo Epstein. My, how the Zack Morris phone has improved over the years.

John Henry played by Conan O’Brien

I believe both parties will be excited about this match. Conan gets to step into the shoes of the best owner in Major League Baseball. And Henry will be asked to takeover Conan’s duties as a member of Pale Force. It’s win-win.

I like the theme song. And how Larry Bird is a member of the Legion of Pale.

Johnny Pesky played by George HW Bush

Let me break it down for you in simple chapter and verse. These two are both old and like to do things people their age shouldn’t. Pesky is around ballplayers and their filthy habits all day, and Bush 41 jumps out of airplanes to celebrate his birthday. I have this theory that old people look more alike as they age, and these two are no exception. Case closed.

Brad Mills played by John McCain

Back-to-back political fill-ins. Not bad organizational skills on my part. I was also thinking of Ed Harris for this part. But I had already put these two pics together before it popped into my head, and frankly this gets a bit monotonous. So it’s the straight talk express for Millsy.

Terry Francona played by Pierce Brosnan

Is there even a resemblance here? I can’t tell. But this should make Tito happy, to be compared to a James Bond actor. Pierce is one hairy dude. I bet he’s proud of his mane of chest hair. In other news, I have total respect for Tito. What he has done with this team year-in and year-out is nothing short of remarkable.

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Media

Peter Gammons played by Sir Ian McKellan

I must say, I’ve done a pretty good job with this. The highly esteemed reporter, Gammons, will be played by a highly esteemed actor in Sir Ian. The worst year for me as a baseball fan was the year that Gammo suffered his stroke. I had grown up with the Baseball Tonight Trade Specials, where he’d sit on set, barely able to talk because his phone was always blowing up. With his sudden illness, the torch needed to be passed on to someone. Unfortunately, that someone was Ken Rosenthal. Borrriiinggg.

I wish that we could do a reenactment of that trade deadline. But change the script a little. I’d have Sir Ian (Gammons) awake fully able bodied, and run out to his post on Baseball Tonight. He’d then address those concerned that Rosenthal would be taking over as the new king of baseball reporting:

That’s right. You shall not pass. That goes for you, too, Buster Olney — Mr. Yankees Lover.

Don Orsillo played by Howard Dean

I couldn’t think of anyone better for Don O. But Dean isn’t a bad match. Plus it gives me a chance to link to this video. When the playoffs roll around, I want Orsillo to do the same thing. “First we’re going to LA, then we’re going to Tampa Bay, then we’re going to Chicago to take back the World Series trophy, YEAAAHHH!!!” It would make my day.

Jerry Remy played by Papa Gino

Jerry Remy is an original, and so is Papa Gino’s. It’s only fitting that the Papa plays the Remdawg. I just think Papa Gino consistently gets a better response at the front door.

Heidi Watney played by Nastia Liukin

For those of you who never got a shot at Ms. Watney, at least there is a second coming. I just ask that you wait a while before internet stalking Liukin. She’s only 18. Don’t be gross.

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Okay. That’s it. I’m done. This was exhausting, but necessary. Any player that I missed will simply be played by a no-name actor who bares a slight resemblance. That is, unless you all have some suggestions…